


I'll Hold Your Hand

by RisingSun



Series: I Promise You [3]
Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-12 00:52:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11726103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RisingSun/pseuds/RisingSun





	I'll Hold Your Hand

Changgu took a deep breath, the scent of his friend hitting his senses and then sighed softly. It was nice and comfortable, but it wasn’t the scent he’s been needing for the last couple of weeks. He opened his eyes and looked around, noticing that they still had a long way to go until their next location and then looked up at Hongseok, giving him a small smile before he rested his head back on his hyung’s shoulder.

“Tired?” Hongseok simply asked, but Changgu knew the word was a cover up for another question.

“I’m fine, hyung. It won’t take long, right?”

“We’ll be home in a couple of hours.” The older one squeezed his hand gently. “He’s fine, don’t worry. Did he say anything?”

“He watched the performance… said something about Jinho hyung looking cool today.” Changgu smiled, noticing the sky has turned darker while he was taking a nap. Has he eaten yet?

“Wasn’t he supposed to have a vocal practice today?” He could feel Hongseok looking down at him.

“In the morning.” The younger one paused. “He spent the afternoon at home though.” Hongseok didn’t say anything for a long moment, so Changgu unlocked his phone and looked at the last message he exchanged with Yanan, still unseen.

“You should talk to him.” His hyung finally said when Changgu shoved his phone back into his pocket.

“I am talking.” He sighed, running his hand through his own hair.

“I don’t think it’s enough… you know how hard it is for him now. And how lonely he is.”

“I am too.” The younger blurted out, shutting Hongseok up for good.

It was hard. It was frustrating really. Changgu closed his eyes again, willing himself to take another nap hoping the time will pass faster that way. But his thoughts wouldn’t let him. It wasn’t that big of a deal really, he knew he was being irrational about this, Yanan was recovering pretty fast and it shouldn’t be long before he joins them all again. Still, he wasn’t there with them now.

He felt childish for thinking like that, for feeling that way. His tall best friend was there in a way, calling them in between schedules, texting all the time, monitoring what they were doing and in the evenings they were together. He was there all the way, but he still wasn’t… “there”.

Changgu had no idea he could miss someone’s physical presence so bad. He was aching for Yanan, both for him being by his side all the time and for him missing out on Pentagon activities. Sure they were making sure he felt like he was a part of it all, but he wasn’t and they all knew no one ever could fill that gap or bring this time that he was missing back. More often than not Changgu was imagining what it must feel like for Yanan and he didn’t like those emotions one bit. He couldn’t be selfish, he could never be selfish in front of the Chinese boy, so his own feelings of emptiness without him had to wait. It was hard, but Yanan had it harder.

Changgu spent a lot of time thinking. He suspected the others weren’t really aware of that, but he was thinking a lot. He was rather perceptive too, usually he would notice the small things, the subtle hints going on around him. Yuto was in love Jinho, Hongseok was the one everyone would go to for spilling secrets while eating a delicious meal, Shinwon was working harder than ever, Wooseok was secretly stealing Hyunggu’s chocolate just for the sake of watching him pout, but also eating one less piece of pizza to see him smile and recently something has shifted in Huidawn relationship. He was secretly proud of himself for knowing those things before others would. The fact that he did without much effort was a plus, he thought it was one of his strong advantages – a trait that made him invaluable to their team even.

Changgu was a lot of things – most of them well-known to his Pentagon family. He was craving a lot of attention and that was one thing everyone definitely knew. And they gave him attention, they let him steal their screen time, they let him photobomb them and they definitely let him cling to them whenever he felt the need to. Maybe because he was incredibly charming – and yes, he was aware of that, as well as of his effect on everyone around him – but mostly because he wasn’t afraid to show how much he loved them. They loved him back just as much if not more – if that was even possible.

He felt well protected in Pentagon family. He felt precious and it was an incredible feeling, the one that helped him deal with his well-hidden insecurities and motivate him to work harder, not letting the tiredness beat him. That’s why he was even more frustrated with the way he’s been feeling ever since Yanan got injured. He was supposed to be one of the energizers of the group – it was his natural reaction to the way his members were treating him and also one of the ways to repay them for being his strength. With Yanan not being by his side he was sulking. He was doing his job in front of the cameras and did his best to not think much about it, but old habits die hard and when he was left alone with his members he just couldn’t pretend. He felt apologetic towards them, but they barely talked about it, brushing it off and waiting for it to pass with Yanan coming back to them. They understood, like they always did, they were strong, firmly standing as a support and Changgu was thankful, once again.

These days he was thinking about Yanan all the time. He did before as well, but with the Chinese boy by his side all the time it just wasn’t necessary. It was needless to say that the last couple of weeks were hell and his mind seemed to constantly drift to the injured boy. It brought back memories, playing out their friendship so perfectly, like the events and feelings that followed them have happened the day before. Changgu was often amazed by the vivid pictures in his head, blaming the bright colors of the details etched to his memory on his perceptiveness. Feelings were much more to blame.

The Korean boy knew he was in love with his tall best friend. There was no doubt about it for quite a long time now. He accepted it as it is and just didn’t do anything about it. There was no need to lose a best friend – he knew Yanan didn’t feel the same way. Sometimes he felt like they were a couple, two boys knowing each other better than anyone else, functioning well together. They had their own world for sure and the rest of the Pentagon family just naturally accepted that a long time ago. Changgu was pretty sure a big part of the reason was the fact that in the beginning of their friendship he selfishly snatched Yanan to himself and barely let anyone else come close to him. It became a habit without him even thinking much about it, so by the time things have changed, with him getting more relaxed as they all formed stronger bonds and got to know each other better, the rest of Pentagon members simply started viewing both of them as an inseparable pair. He liked toying with that idea, even if it would soon enough make his heart ache and crave for something more, for it to be real.

Him falling in love with his best friend didn’t happen like in the movies. Not at first sight, not over night. Being a hopeless romantic dork deep down, Changgu might have wanted to be hit by cupid’s arrow in such a cheesy way, but subtle way Yanan entered his heart made it that much more meaningful to him. In all of his vivid memories he couldn’t find the exact moment his heart had fluttered in a different way, but he wasn’t even trying to find it. It was there and from that point on his heart hasn’t stopped doing it and that was the only important thing to be aware of.

Changgu liked Yanan from the beginning. That wasn’t surprising, almost everyone did anyway – those who didn’t must had no soul, at least in Changgu’s opinion. Despite his appearance, the tall handsome Chinese boy was really cute. And Changgu was lucky enough to be the one Yanan decided to follow, like a lost puppy on the unfamiliar territory. Yanan wasn’t a clingy kind of person, not even the kind of person to openly show affection, but the shorter Korean boy had enough of those abilities for both of them, leaving him with no choice but go along with it.

For the first time in his life Changgu put someone else above himself. It wasn’t that he was self-absorbed, he actually cared for people around him much more than he showed and he did show much. The attention seeking side of him just took over a lot of times, begging to be pampered. Yanan was the only one who appeared to be in need of pampering more than he was and Changgu wanted to be the first to tend to those needs. His perceptiveness failed him. Yanan didn’t need it, not really, but he needed a helping hand and a friend and Changgu was breathtaking. They were a perfect match, especially given the circumstances.

So the bubble started to form. Only it wasn’t a bubble, it was a carefully crafted beautiful castle, built by master Changgu himself – beautiful, precious, cozy and warm. Their little world of endless talking, joking, playing around, filled with pretty melodies and hard work, but also shared worries, secrets and mutual support. Yanan’s humor would light up Changgu’s dull day, like a warm afternoon sun that would make his whole body tingle, but never blindingly uncomfortable. Changgu’s laugh to the jokes that escaped his mouth left Yanan smiling so broadly, making him feel that everything would be just right as long as he had his best friend next to himself.

The castle had doors and windows and from time to time it was open to guests. So the rest of Pentagon family was welcome. They were good guests, the best really, never overstaying their welcome, always considerate of the hosts. But the hosts needed them and loved them and sometimes it all seemed to be too good to be true. Yanan was happy and that meant Changgu was happy too.

At some point Changgu admitted to himself that he has fallen for the Chinese boy. The realization didn’t hit him leaving him speechless, like all the things that made their friendship so special it was just there and it was sweet and cozy and just a little bit bitter. It was a worry that he couldn’t share with Yanan and that was new, but eventually he just learned living with it. There were days when he just let himself be a lovesick puppy and enjoy it, passing off his loving gazes and more open displays of affection as his natural clinginess. There were also days when he was toning it down – partly because it brought him pain and partly because he was afraid Yanan will suspect his true feelings. That was absolutely not an option, he wasn’t confident their castle wouldn’t fall down from the intensity of that truth being out there in the open like that and he knew he couldn’t bear it being blown away. So he stayed quiet, observant and careful, but never failed to make Yanan feel loved.

Their working day finally came to an end and soon they were entering the dorm, Changgu torn between wanting to see Yanan as soon as possible and being afraid of showing how close to falling down he was. However as the boys moved around the dorm, some rushing to eat, while the others going to their rooms he slowly moved to his room as well. Sleeping Yanan greeted him, so he quickly moved to take clean clothes and go take a shower first. When he came back his best friend was already sitting on his bed.

“You’re awake.” Changgu stated the obvious and sat down on his own bed, looking at the Chinese boy across from him. “Are you alright? You haven’t responded to my last message, so I thought you’re either sleeping or not doing so good.” He didn’t really mean to say it like that, but the moment his eyes laid on Yanan he couldn’t stop himself.

“I wasn’t so good today.” Yanan shrugged a bit, as if it wasn’t important, but chose to look down. “I’m getting impatient and I just really want to be with you guys and… you know.”

“You’re with us.” The Korean boy replied, it was a well rehearsed reply Hui would always give to Yanan whenever the younger one would feel useless to the team. Only with Hui it wasn’t rehearsed or fake, it was the truth and leader’s voice perfectly carried those words, bringing Yanan’s confidence back every time. Changgu wished he had that ability now.

“Even you don’t believe it, Changgu.” The Chinese boy almost scoffed, raising his eyes to face him. He was crying and that was hard to watch, Changgu was the crybaby in their castle.

“But you are, you’re with us all the time and we think about you and we can’t wait to have you next to us…” He wanted to add that sentence that he always said to the younger boy – I’ll hold your hand, I’ll hold it when you come back and we’ll go back to the way we were – but he just couldn’t do it, he couldn’t throw it with this bunch of stupid ramblings that just left his mouth. He hated how it all sounded like one big fat lie when it wasn’t. Yanan didn’t say anything to that and Changgu knew it was all really pointless. Those empty words and his stupid inability to make the most important person in his life feel better.

“I’m a bad liar… and it’s not even a lie.” He sighed, watching Yanan sadly.

“But it’s not the whole truth.” The Chinese boy smiled, feeling better now that they were talking – or was it just because he wasn’t alone anymore. He was sick and tired of being alone.

“I miss you.” Changgu let out and felt something in him break. There, the words were out and so were his tears. Of course he was crying, it was a miracle he managed not to for such a long time. “I miss you so much.” He croaked, burying his face in his hands as he started sobbing like a child, not being able to control himself. He felt Yanan moving to sit next to him, strong arms around him a moment later, Yanan’s injured hand awkwardly resting against his shoulder, but the other patting his back in a comforting manner. The scent he was craving for hit him full force and he just cried harder, cried for what it seemed like forever.

“You didn’t have to pretend.” The Chinese boy said after Changgu started calming down.

“I wasn’t going to be selfish like that. You’re the one having a hard time.” He sniffled, wiping his eyes.

“I’m not the only one. And you’re definitely not alone, idiot.” The older one laughed at that, pulling back to look at his friend.

“I was supposed to comfort you, not the other way around…” He laughed again.

“That’s right.” Yanan nodded seriously, the corner of his lips lifting upwards slightly as he moved his arms from around Changgu. “I know it’s all stupid, but it still hurts.”

“It’s hard.” Changgu sighed heavily, looking down, feeling somewhat lighter after letting it all out.

“It is.” The younger one confirmed and the Korean boy watched as he moved his healthy hand to one of Changgu’s, taking it firmly and lacing their fingers together. “It is, but I’ll hold your hand.”

Moments later Yanan was laying down, moments later Yanan was falling asleep, moments later Changgu turned off the light and took a deep breath.

“I love you.” He barely breathed into the darkness, two hands still firmly holding onto each other.


End file.
